A PLAN TO KILL MY TEENAGER!

THE EMOTIONAL AVALANCHE

“I am so fed up with my daughter!  I’m at a loss--I have no idea what to do.”  Shelly explained, exasperated.

“Ok, give me a little background. What’s going on?” I asked.

“My daughter, Christy, is 15 years old and she is a total witch.  She’s constantly mad at me, never listens to me--she’s an over the top self- absorbed kid that’s driving me absolutely nuts.”

“Let’s start with some examples.”

“I can give you thousands!  A lot of times they aren’t even huge things. Just little things that seem to gain traction, turn into an avalanche of emotion and come speeding down the mountain aimed at ME! Like last night, for instance, she comes home and is totally freaking out because she’d left her iPod in the cup holder in her car and it got wet.  So now her iPod is not working, so she stomps in the house and tells her brother to give her his.”

“Well, did her brother acquiesce?”

“No, and that made her more mad because I didn’t stick up for her and make her brother turn over HIS iPod.”

“What did you do next?”

“I told her she ought to do a google search on how to fix her iPod and try to fix it herself.”

“Did she?”

“No, she told me I needed to buy her a new iPod.  I told her THAT was NOT going to happen!”

“Then…?”

“Then, she asked me why I even decided to have a child if I couldn’t take care of her and accused me of only living to selfishly make HER life miserable…then she stomped to her room.”

“So what happened to the iPod?”

“Well, I ignored her and went back to doing the dishes.  I used to yell at her when she would act like this but that NEVER worked…she would either yell back or clam up.  So I don’t do that anymore, but since I work in the IT (information technology) industry I’m pretty good at fixing stuff.  So after a couple hours, I finally settled down and did my own google search.  The instructions on how to fix the iPod were very simple so I grabbed a few tools and fixed it.  It works fine now.”  Shelly stated.

“So everything is better now?”

“Yes, the remains of the avalanche were, once again, cleaned up.  We all lived to see another day.”  Shelly replied.

“Or another avalanche…” I thought to myself. 

TRAIN UP A CHILD

“Shelly, why do you think your daughter treated you so badly yesterday when she got so upset about her broken iPod?”

“I really have no idea.  That’s just the way she is!  She’s been like that ever since I can remember.  Everyone sees it in her.  I feel sorry for her boyfriend.  She treats him just as bad.”

“Is it possible that you’ve trained her to act this way?”

“Are you kidding?  I NEVER act like that!  Are you trying to tell me it’s my fault that my daughter is such a witch?  That kind of question must be why people don’t like YOU!”

“Well, you’re right.  There are plenty of people who don’t like me, but we’ll save that story for another day.  But let’s start again.  After Christy stomped to her room, what happened to her iPod?”

“It laid on the counter for a while, then I figured out how to fix it.  I certainly didn’t want to buy another one; I don’t have that kind of money.”

“I understand.  But from Christy’s point of view, what did Christy’s anger get her?”

“What do you mean ‘get her’?”

“Ok, let’s summarize.  Christy walks in the door.  She throws a fit, gets angry and stomps to her room.  Gets up the next morning and what does she see on the countertop…an iPod…that is…?”

“Fixed.”

“Exactly. 

“So Christy has learned that if she acts like a witch, then…?”

“Then she gets what she wants,” the epiphany started to sink in.

“Yes!”

“Oh my God, is it really possible that I’ve trained my daughter to…?” Shelly’s voice tailed off.  “But I was just trying to help.  I was trying to save some money…I love my daughter…I love my daughter more than anything!”

“Shelly, the question isn’t whether you love your daughter…THAT is obvious.  The question is whether you love your daughter more than you NEED HER to love YOU?”

A tear rolled down Shelly’s cheek.  “This isn’t going to be easy is it?”

“No.”

“How do I do that?  How do I love her more than I need her? Where do I even start?”

HOW?

“Why does it bother you when Christy gets angry?”

“I hate it when anyone gets angry with me.  I’m not a bad person you know.”

“So you think if someone gets angry with you that you are a bad person?”

“Christy certainly tries to make me feel that way.”

“Exactly.  Our children are very smart, and so is Christy.  Her goal is to get what she wants. Christy knows that if she gets angry, then you feel like a ‘bad mom,’ and if you feel bad about yourself she’s got a better chance of getting you to give her what she wants.”

“It’s like she’s purposefully manipulating me?”

“Not really. It’s more like you are ALLOWING her to manipulate you…remember, she is the child.”

“I don’t understand. What can I do to change her?  I can’t seem to stop her from her from this…I’ve tried!  I’ve tried everything.  Threatening her, pleading with her, getting angry, trying to be nice, ignoring her…NOTHING works.”

“In other words, you’ve tried using manipulation to attempt to stop her from manipulating you?”

Shelly’s shoulders slumped. “Derek…I don’t know what else to do.”

“What if you deeply love your daughter, but you don’t NEED her to love you back…what if it was ok if Christy didn’t like you?”

“Derek, I don’t think I can go there.  I’m HER MOM!”

“I understand.  I don’t want you to be ok with Christy not liking you.  I’m asking you to simply play the ‘Imagine If” game, that’s all. 

“Imagine if it was ok that Christy didn’t like you, when she got angry with you, then…”

(T)

“Then it wouldn’t bother me.”

“Right!”

“And if her anger doesn’t bother you, do you have to get angry back?”

“No…because her anger towards me doesn’t bother me anymore.”

(E)

“Exactly…hang in there, we’re getting close!  And if you are not angry or feeling guilty for being a bad mom, do you have to give in and reward her anger and manipulation by fixing her iPod?”

“No, I wouldn’t feel the need to fix her iPod.”

(A)

“Right, you won’t have to reward her witchiness (not sure if that’s a word…but we’re trying to stay PG here!J).

“And if she comes out of her room the next morning and the iPod is NOT fixed, then what is Christy’s next move?  IF she knows she can’t manipulate YOU?”

“She’ll have to figure out a way on her own to fix the iPod.”

“Exactly!  She will have to take responsibility for herself, which is an integral part of growing up…and YOU helped her grow!”

“Ok, summarize what just happened.  I want to understand.  I want to see it again.”

SUMMARIZE IT…T-E-A

First, the Thought Changed… (T)

Original Thought:

I hate it when Christy gets angry with me…it makes me feel like a bad person.

New Thought:

If Christy’s opinion of me bothers me it teaches her to manipulate me.  The Truth is that it’s ok if Christy gets angry with me.  Her opinion of me doesn’t make me good or bad.  The only Person I look to for my “goodness” is God…not the opinion of my 16 year old adolescent daughter!  And God already has made me complete, I don’t need my daughter to make me any better than that! (For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, and in Him you have been made complete.  Colossians 2:10, NAS)

Then the Emotion Changed (E)

Now I don’t have a need to retaliate in anger.  Why?  Because the Truth set me free from needing to get angry.  The anger doesn’t go away because of “will power” or because of “my own efforts”!  The anger goes away because of God’s Truth.  God does the work!

Then the Action Changed (A)

The action that followed was to leave the iPod alone.  Allow Christy to take personal responsibility for her own “stuff” allowing her to learn from her own mistakes (dropping water on her iPod) and learning how to solve her own problems (figuring out a way to fix her iPod).  This helps Christy grow…toward healthy adulthood.

WHERE’S THIS STUFF IN THE BIBLE?

Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of father, mother spouse, children, brother, sisters – yes, even one’s own self!-can’t be my disciple.

Luke 14:26, The Message

Now let me explain the above verse this way…

IF

 I believe that my child’s opinion or approval of me is truer than God’s opinion of me

(And God’s opinion of believers is that we are complete (Colossians 2:10), righteous (Romans 4:5), loved (I John 4:9) and without condemnation (Romans 8:1))

THEN

I don’t have a chance at being able to follow the promptings of God because I will be allowing people to manipulate me instead of being free to follow (be a disciple of) my Father.

Another cool verse…already in the first person for you…

God is educating me; that’s why I must never drop out.  He’s treating me as dear child.  The trouble I’m in isn’t punishment; it's training, the normal experience of children...At the time, discipline isn’t much fun.  It always feels like it’s going against the grain.  Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God. 

Hebrews 12:7-11, The Message

Thinking about it,

Derek

P.S.  As always I want to thank all the people involved in the Lives Transforming newsletters and message.  For those of you that don’t know, the stories that are told are ALL based on real life, true stories of Lives Transforming!