A PASTOR’S MARITAL AFFAIR

Warning: We’re going into a little

deeper water this week.  Hang in

there…we’ll come up for air soon!

JUST A KISS?

A mutual friend introduced Roger and I a couple of years ago.  Roger was one of those guys everyone seemed to like.  He’s easy to talk with and fun to hang around.  I had the opportunity to talk with Roger confidentially one evening and he started to tell me his story…

“It was just a kiss.” Roger started, shaking his lowered head in a way that appeared to be habitual.

“A kiss?” I replied.

“It wasn’t a big deal, it was…” Roger stopped in mid sentence realizing that trying in any way to justify his emotional affair wasn’t going to help.  “I don’t know.  My mind keeps swirling in circles.”

“How about starting from the beginning.” I asked.

“In some ways it’s pretty simple.  I was working as a pastor at a church out west and for a while things were going pretty well.  My family enjoyed their new surroundings and we all enjoyed the church.  But after a while it felt like more and more people were pulling on me, I got burned out and started feeling lousy about myself and then it carried over to my home life.   Then I became friends with one of the ladies that worked part time at the church.  We were just friends.  She was struggling with her marriage and I tried to lend an ear, so she started talking with me about her struggles at home.  Then…”

“Then everything blew up?”

“That’s an understatement.  Once the word got out I was ostracized, told to read a letter of apology to the whole congregation, sent to counseling and finally I left the church,” Roger explained, “but that was over a year ago now…you’d think I’d be able to move on with life.”

“So you feel stuck?”

“Sort of.  In some ways I’ve learned SO MUCH!  I have realized that my worth and value as a man or husband doesn’t come from the approval of another woman or even my wife.  This epiphany really helped me understand how I got myself into the mess to begin with.  That was a huge discovery for me.  This experience was naturally very difficult on my wife but she learned a lot too and, thankfully, we’re still together.  But…”

“But what?”

“I really feel like God still wants me to minister to people.  Can you believe that?  How can I minister to people after what I’ve done…I just need to move on with life.  I’ll never get past the guilt and shame of that experience.  After doing something like I did…” Roger again slowly shook his head.

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing YOU weren’t the one that did it?”  I stated matter of factly.

“Excuse me?”

I’M NOT THE ONE DOING IT!

“Derek, I don’t know you very well, but if you are saying I’m supposed to just deny that I ever did anything wrong or act like I didn’t do it I’d say you’re more screwed up than I am.”  Roger replied…a little irritated.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying.  However, who knows, I very well be more screwed up than you…sometimes it’s hard to tell, I have good days and bad days tooJ!  But let’s look at something Paul wrote.”

“Ok, I’m up for anything at this point.”

“Paul said, ‘But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it’ (Romans 7:20 NAS).”

“I have no clue what that means.  I’m totally lost!” Roger replied.

“Let’s look at the following diagram:

In 1 Thessalonians 5:23 we are told that we have three parts, ‘spirit and soul and body’.  The body is kind of a suit or as Paul says, ‘a tent’…this is the part that will die.  Now think of the soul as the part of us where our thoughts and emotions live.  And finally, every man is born with a spirit and when we are saved (when we ask Jesus into our lives) this is where He comes to live.”

“Ok, I think I understand,” Roger replied, “we are made of three parts but how does this have anything to do with my guilt and shame?”

“First of all, who is the REAL you?  Which of the three parts is the REAL Roger?  Will the REAL Roger please stand up (Sorry, I’m showing my age now!) Is the REAL Roger your body?”

“No, my body will be dead in a few years (hopefully quite a few years!),” Roger chuckled. “Oh! I see now.  The part of me that lives eternally, for the next million years or whatever…that’s the spirit part of me!  That has to be the REAL me, the spirit part of me, that’s the part that lives forever!”

“Exactly.  Now let’s look at Paul’s verse again...‘But if I am doing the very thing I do not want (like kissing some chick), I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.’ – Romans 7:20.”

“So the part of me that sinned was the Flesh part of me, the sin part that is in my body, not the REAL ME!  Ok, that’s cool, but first, how did the sin get in there?”

“You chose it.  Coming from the Enemy the Lie might have sounded something like this …

‘Roger, when a woman approves of you, that makes you more of a man: more important, more valuable and ultimately happier.  Don’t you deserve to be happy?’

The Enemy shot a LIE at you (like the red arrow) and it landed in your mind because you chose to believe it.”

“Ok, you got me there.  That sounded pretty close to the lie I believed at the time.  But where is this stuff in the Bible?”

“Just a few verses down actually.  Paul says that ‘For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man(where the Holy Spirit resides), but I see a different law in the members of my body (flesh), waging war (Enemy shooting lies) against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members (meaning body or flesh).’ – Romans 7:21-22.  Check out the diagram again and it will make more sense.”

“Ok, I think I’m starting to get this, but I want to see it clearly, how it applies to my life.”

“That’s the fun part…it gets even better.”

THE EASY PART!

“Roger, imagine the sin you committed wasn’t the real you.  It was the sin part of you that is in you because you made a bad choice…you chose to believe a lie from the Enemy.  Imagine the REAL you is the part of you that is inhabited by the God of the universe.  Imagine the REAL you is the part where the Holy Spirit resides and completes you.  Would you have to be scared to minister as God has called you anymore?  Would you be too ashamed to talk about God to people anymore because you don’t feel good enough about yourself?”

“Wow, I’ve never thought of it that way before,” Roger put his head in his hands to hide the tears running down his cheeks, “but I was always taught that if I didn’t feel bad about myself I’d continue to sin more.”

“Roger, feeling bad about yourself and trying to make yourself feel better with a kiss is what got you into this sin to begin with.”

Without listening Roger continued, “But if it’s not the REAL me sinning then won’t I then just want to sin more?” he argued as the religious shackles started falling away one by one.

“Roger, really.  You think knowing the REAL you is going to make you want to go back to the sin you came from?”

“No, I take that back.  I NEVER want to go thru that again.  Sin is painful.”

“You’re right.  There is nothing fun about sin Roger, it’s ultimately always painful.”

“So you really believe that I’m ok.”

“Roger, the choices you make that cause sin don’t make you who you are!  God makes you who you are!  At the very core of who you are…you are completely filled with the Holy Spirit…God is IN you!  You have nothing to be ashamed of…there can be no condemnation in that! And if you believe that…”

“I get it.  If I believe what Paul is saying then the guilt and shame go away and I’m free to talk about Jesus again.  And not only that, if I REALLY know who I am and that I’m already completely ok, completely loved by God, I won’t have to look for anyone else to try and make me feel better…that sinful temptation can go by the wayside.”

“Yes, that’s exactly what makes the Enemy cringe and retreat.  The Enemy hates the fact that you might see yourself as you REALLY are…filled with God, His essence which is love, in your ‘inner man’ because your life and ministry will no longer be stifled by the guilt and shame heaped on you by his deception that your sinful actions make you not worthy AND as a bonus, God’s love eliminates your desire to sin by feeling like you need someone else to complete what He’s already done for you.  That’s why Paul finishes this section of scripture by saying…

‘Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord.’ – Romans 7:25”

 TRUTH & LIES

LIE: My sinful actions make me a bad person, not worthy of God’s love.

TRUTH: It is God’s love and His life in me that define who

I am not my actions. 

My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love.  This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality.  It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it.  For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.  And friends, once that’s taken care of and we’re no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we’re bold and free before God!

– I John 3:18-21 The Message

Thinking about it,

Derek

P.S.  As always I want to thank all the people involved in the Lives Transforming newsletters and message.  For those of you that don’t know, the stories that are told are ALL based on real life, true stories of Lives Transforming!