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PASTOR’S DAUGHTER DATING A
DRUGGIE
I’M NOT TALKING WITH HIM!
My cell phone was ringing as I was trying to scarf down a bit of dinner in my den. I was heading to facilitate the second small group scheduled for the day, but I picked up anyway.. My buddy Mike started talking…
“Derek, I just got off the phone with a friend I used to work with. We still stay in touch, but he’s really struggling right now.”
“What’s going on?”
“He’s kind of freaking out. His 19 year old daughter just finished her sophomore year in college, and he found some unsettling messages from an older guy on her email or Facebook or something guy. He doesn’t know what to do.”
“So did you talk with him about it?”
“NO…are you crazy? I’m not talking with him about it. I’d probably give him some advice that would mess his whole life up, or something. I’m not gonna live with that hanging over my head!
“So what are you going to do?”
“I told him to call YOU!”
“Oh, thanks a lot.” I laughed.
“Oh, and Derek…”
“Yeah…”
“She’s a pastor’s kid.”
“Oh boy, we’re in BIG trouble now!”
INTERVENTION?
A few minutes later my phone rang again. Tom’s southern drawl gave away the fact that he was from South Carolina, even before I’d guessed the location of the unfamiliar area code.
“Derek, this is Tom. My friend Mike said I could call you.”
“Sure, Mike mentioned you wanted to talk through some concerns you have about your daughter.”
“Yes, I’m a pastor out here on the east coast. At least, I’ve been a pastor for the last 13 years, but sometimes (like tonight) I wonder if I’m qualified!”
“I’m sure a lot of pastors feel the same way, Tom.”
“You’re probably right, but I just don’t know what to do.”
“Bring me up to date.”
“It started about three years ago. When Chelsey was about 15 she had a boyfriend who was not healthy for her at all. And now, three years later, it’s happening again. She met this guy in Florida while we were on vacation and he’s quite a bit older than she is. And yesterday I came across some disturbing correspondence on her Facebook page. I don’t know, it seems like she always falls for these guys that ‘need help’ or something.”
“So how long have they been talking with each other?
“It’s been a couple of months, but the language and provocative nature of their correspondence is totally out of control. My wife and I both are very concerned and we don’t know what to do. He’s probably some sort of druggie!”
“So what did you do three years ago when you ran into this problem?”
“We had an intervention.”
“A what?”
“An intervention,” he replied.
Of course I always thought of an intervention as something they did at the Betty Ford clinic. And thinking of this poor 15 year old having an intervention because her dad didn’t like her boyfriend made me grin inside (primarily because there have been a few teenage boyfriends I haven’t approved of either!). But I continued…
“So are you thinking about having another intervention for Chelsey?”
“YES! That’s what I’m thinking.”
“What exactly is an intervention at your household? What does that mean?”
“I’ll take her cell phone away and revoke her internet privileges. She’s on summer break from college and living with us so I have control over both her phone and computer.”
“So how do you think Chelsey will respond to your intervention?”
“Hmmm….”
RESCUED BY A PRINCE
“Derek, I don’t know how she’ll respond.”
“What are the options?”
“She could get really mad and rebel.”
“I agree. And what do you think that would look like.”
“She is 19 so I bet she could find a way to get her hands on a phone or computer when I’m not around.”
“That’s true. At her age she’s probably pretty creative.”
“Yeah, doing an ‘intervention’ probably wouldn’t stop her if she really wanted to talk with this guy. But I don’t know if she’d get mad and rebel.”
“Ok, what are you thinking?”
“In the past, when we’ve ran into these kind of problems and I’ve told Chelsey what to do she’s actually followed my guidelines, and it’s worked out! She calls me her prince.”
“Like a prince that comes in and…”
“In fact, she calls me her prince because I rescue her from harm.”
“Ok, what are the risks if Chelsey complies with your intervention?”
“I don’t see any risks.”
“Think hard…”
“Hmmm….I guess she wouldn’t learn from her mistakes. Is that what you are getting at?”
“Not necessarily, but you are correct, she might not learn from a mistake if she doesn’t make it, but can you think of any other risks? What is she going to do in a few more years when she’s 25 or 26 and has a similar problem and she’s not living with you?”
“Wow, I never really thought of that but she’d probably call me.”
“Expecting you to…”
“Rescue her,” Tom realized.
“Yes, sometimes the only thing worse than rebellion is compliance. Is compliance what you want?”
“NO! I don’t want to rescue her. I want her to learn how to make good choices on her own. But what should I do? Can’t YOU just tell me what to do?”
“Tom, if I told you what to do, I’d be doing the same thing to you that you are telling me you DON’T want to do with your daughter!”
“Oh…yeah, I guess so. Then YOU would be rescuing ME,” Tom laughed, “Boy, this can get messy. So what now?”
OUT OF OPTIONS
“Tom, what other options do you have?”
“I don’t know I guess I’m stuck. I think I’m out of options.”
“I remember a story from last year I’d like to share with you.”
“Sure, go ahead.”
“My daughter, Courtney, was about 15 at the time and I believe it was a Thursday night. She asked if she could stay out late at a friend’s house. I asked Courtney about her school work for the next day and also about her weekend. She let me know that she had a test on Friday (but, of course, she was ready for it) and she had a diving meet on Saturday…”
“Well, I know what I would have said!” Tom broke in.
“I agree. The best answer seemed obvious to me too. However, I decided to let Courtney know that I wanted HER to decide what SHE felt was the best ANSWER to her question based on the test she had the next day and the diving meet coming up.”
“What did your daughter say to that?” Tom asked.
“Courtney replied, ‘I HATE IT WHEN YOU MAKE ME DECIDE, DAD!’”
“That’s hilarious,” Tom laughed.
“Wow, I guess I have another option, huh?”
“Actually Tom, you have lots of options. And not every option is the best option for every circumstance! That’s where the Holy Spirit comes in. Sure, weigh out options, get human counsel, but at the end of the day listen for the Spirit within…and follow where you are being prompted to go.”
“Still not going to give me the answer huh?”
“No, you can take it from here.”
“Thanks, Derek.”
WHERE’D YOU LEARN THIS STUFF
A few days later I got another call from Tom. He seemed pretty excited…
“Derek, you’re not going to believe what happened with my daughter!”
“What’s that, Tom?”
“Well, my wife and I sat down with her and talked about what we found on the internet. Then we let her know that SHE needed to make the decision as to how to handle the relationship with her boyfriend.”
“And…”
“I couldn’t believe it, Derek. This morning I found out that she broke the entire relationship off cold turkey.”
“That’s great Tom, but…”
“But what?” Tom asked, hoping the other shoe wasn’t about ready to drop.
“How would you be doing if your daughter hadn’t have made the right decision?”
“I think I’d be ok. I decided before talking with her that allowing her to experience the fruit or pain of her decisions was more important for her growth than trying to control or rescue her. So really, I think I’d be ok, (not extremely happyJ) but ok.”
“Great! Well Tom, thanks for keeping in touch.”
“Hey, Derek, before you go I wanted to ask you one more question.”
“Go for it.”
“Where did you learn this stuff?”
“Jesus.”
“Huh?”
“Yeah, do you remember when the scholar that came up to Jesus and asked Jesus how to get eternal life?”
“Yes.”
“Did Jesus know the right answer to the question?”
“Obviously,” Tom laughed, “if anyone knew the answer to that question it would be Jesus!”
“Do you remember how Jesus replied?”
“Yeah, now that you mention it. Jesus didn’t answer, he asked the scholar what he thought it took to get eternal life.”
“Why didn’t Jesus answer his question? The scholar asked THE most important question in the universe, yet Jesus doesn’t answer his question. Why?”
“Because Jesus knew that it was more important for the scholar to know the Truth (by discovering it for himself) than for Jesus to know the Truth (and try to make the scholar believe it).”
“Exactly. Tom, do you think you knew what the best answer was for your daughter?”
“Yes.”
“But…”
“But it was more important for her to know the right answer than for me!”
“Exactly.”
“Where was that verse again?”
“Here you go, from the The Message…”
Just then a religion scholar stood up with a question to test Jesus.
“Teacher, what do I need to do to get eternal life?”
He answered, “What’s written in God’s Law? How do you interpret it?”
He said, “That you love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and muscle and intelligence – and that you love your neighbor as well as you do yourself.”
“Good answer!” said Jesus. “Do it and you’ll live.”
The Message – Luke 10:25-28
Thinking about it,
Derek
P.S. As always I want to thank all the people involved in the Lives Transforming newsletters and message. For those of you that don’t know, the stories that are told are ALL based on real life, true stories of Lives Transforming!
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