|
BRAINWASHED BY RELIGION
Joann met me at Taco Bell. I know - a pretty odd place to meet…but my work took me to a different part of town this week. Joann is one of the nicest ladies I’ve ever met. Don’t get me wrong, while “nice” isn’t always a compliment, in Joann’s case it was. She’s very soft spoken, would rather say nothing than raise her voice, and she takes time to really think before answering. I could tell from our previous discussions she wants to do the right thing. But she grew up in a very strict organized religion that made her current situation very difficult to handle.
“How are things going, Joann?”
“I don’t know. I’m really confused right now.”
“Confused?”
“Yes. My husband says he doesn’t really like how he feels when he’s around me. He says that I’ve hurt him. But I’m the one that’s hurt!”
“Whoa…hold on a second. Can you catch me up a little?”
“I think he’s having an emotional affair.”
“What makes you think that?”
“Well, he’s basically told me. He doesn’t call it an emotional affair. He just calls her ‘a friend.’”
“When did you find out?”
“It was a couple of weeks ago. That’s when he told me he was tired of feeling put down by me. After 12 years he just couldn’t take it anymore and needed someone to talk with; ‘a friend.’”
“What does he mean by ‘feeling put down’? Do you yell at him? (Based on Joann’s personality I knew this was a ridiculous assertion. I couldn’t imagine Joann ever raising her voice).
“Oh no, I never yell at him. It’s not like that.” Joann replied politely.
“He says it’s the way I make him feel.”
“Can you give me an example of what he might be talking about?”
“Yeah, I think so. I grew up in a home where we weren’t even allowed to have a radio in our car because of the “bad” music. So, of course, I don’t really like it when he drinks and...”
“Does your husband have a drinking problem?”
“Oh no, but he says I make him feel bad for drinking. And sometimes he’ll watch shows on TV or movies that I’m not comfortable with, and he’s mentioned that too.”
“What do you do when he does these things?’
“Nothing. I usually don’t say anything.”
“But he can feel something?”
“I guess so.”
“Do you approve of him doing these things?”
“No, not really. I don’t want him to do these things.”
“So how do you respond?”
“I don’t usually say anything. I’m pretty quiet.”
“Which communicates what?”
“I don’t know. In my family when people did things we didn’t agree with, we would simply remove ourselves from the situation. We didn’t want to be around that type of stuff. I guess I don’t know how to respond. What am I supposed to say when he does these things that I’m not comfortable with?”
ITS ABOUT YOU NOT HIM
“Why are you uncomfortable with him having a drink or watching certain movies?”
“Because I don’t think it’s good to drink and watch questionable movies,” Joann said innocently.
“I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant. I’m not asking why YOU are uncomfortable with alcohol and movies. I’m asking you why you are uncomfortable with HIM drinking alcohol and watching movies.”
“Well, you know. Some of the movies out these days can be very risqué…and it hurts.”
“I agree they can be very risqué. But I’m interested in why you are uncomfortable with your husband watching these movies, NOT why you don’t like them.”
“When he watches these movies I know he’s looking at women who are gorgeous and dressed provocatively and it makes me feel…”
“Go ahead, how does it make you feel?”
“Like I’m not good enough.”
“So the reason you have judged your husband’s actions as wrong is because of the way it makes you feel?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“And that makes you feel how?”
“Horrible!”
“Joann…you’ve just learned something absolutely incredible.”
“What do you mean?”
“You just learned that your judgment is about you not him!”
“I don’t think I understand what you mean?”
“Joann, do you see that girl in the blue T-Shirt sitting across the restaurant from us?” Joann turned her head to look.
“Yes.”
“Imagine she came up to you and asked to have lunch with you tomorrow. You know, she just wanted to talk. Would you do it?”
“Yes.”
“What if you found out she watched the risqué movie, ‘Animal House,’ last night (yeah, I’m showing my age)? Would you meet with her or would it hurt you so much that you would have to decline talking with her and give her the silent treatment?”
“Yes…I would meet her.” Joann laughed at the absurdity of the question.
“Why? Why wouldn’t it hurt you so much that you would have to ignore her or stay away?”
“It wouldn’t hurt me. Her decision to watch that movie wouldn’t have anything to do with me.”
“You’re right. Her decision to watch that movie would have nothing to do with you not being good enough. What if your husband’s decisions had no impact on how good you are?”
“I wouldn’t be hurt.”
“And you wouldn’t have to use silence as a weapon.”
“And then he wouldn’t feel put down,” she realized.
“I agree.”
“Does this have anything to do with my kids?” Joann said as she jerked the conversation in another direction.
“Kids?”
SCREAMING AT MY TEENAGER
“What do you mean kids?” I asked.
“You know, I really don’t get mad too much and I very seldom even raise my voice. But the other day I just started screaming at my 13 year old.”
“Hold on! That’s normal…you HAVE to scream at a 13 year old at least once a week,” I laughed!
“Seriously, my daughter got in trouble at school and got detention…it devastated me.”
“Well, let’s try it again. If one of your daughter’s friends would have gotten detention, would it have devastated you?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I wouldn’t have been ‘the bad mom.’”
“So your judgment toward your daughter resulted in a scream because you felt like you were a bad mom?”
“Oh my gosh. I did it again didn’t I? I thought my harsh response was because of my daughter’s actions (her detention), because if she hadn’t got the detention I wouldn’t have screamed. I thought SHE made ME scream. But that’s not right is it?”
“No. It’s not.”
“My judgmental screaming was because of how I felt about ME not HER! Unbelievable, I’m causing the pain that results from my judgment that makes me so very miserable!”
“Exactly. There’s a reason why we are warned against judgment…it lands us in misery. But most of us have been brainwashed to believe that our judgment toward others is because of the other person’s actions. Unfortunately, this is powerful Enemy deception based on his lies. The rage, frustration, control, manipulation, anxiety, depression etc. that comes from our judgment is never about the other person…it’s about us.
“So how do I get out of this mess?”
“There’s only one way out.”
“What?”
“The way you feel about yourself can only come from One source…period. When you try to get from your husband or daughter the value and worth that only God has supplied to you as His child, you will feel significant pain from your husband’s and daughter’s actions. When they don’t line up with what you think is right, your thinking may result in acts (sometimes violent acts) of judgment.”
“Which pushes away the people I love the most.”
“These lies always seek to destroy, not reconcile relationships.”
“So am I supposed to sit back and not have an opinion and not decide what’s right from wrong?”
“Not at all. Use every ounce of wisdom and discernment God has given you to determine right from wrong.”
“But how do I know if I’m discerning or judging.”
“Take your spiritual temperature.”
“What?”
“Take your spiritual temperature. Ask yourself if you are experiencing the fruit (result) of the Spirit – peace, joy, contentment etc. If you are, then you are discerning (healthy), not judging (unhealthy).”
“But what about other people? What if they aren’t discerning?”
“You mean you want to discern for your husband?”
“I…guess…so,” Joann grinned.
“You want to make others think what you think?” I smiled.
“Well, now that you put it that way…”
“I think God can handle them without our help.” (Romans 14:4 – The Message)
BIBLE…?
“Aren’t there verses in the bible that talk about the fact that we should judge?”
“Honestly, Joann, be very careful reading any verses in scripture that lead you to believe you are to judge others! Read them in context and relationship with the following verses. I’ve added a few extra this week because of how deception this slippery can creep into our lives!”
ALL NEW AMERICAN STANDARD VERSION (NASB)
“Do not judge
Matthew 7:1
“Do not judge
Luke 6:37
“For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him
John 3:17
“For not even the Father judges anyone
John 5:22
“You judge according to the flesh; I am not judging anyone
John 8:15
“I did not come to judge the world, but to save the world”
John 12:47
“Therefore you have no excuse, every one of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself
Romans 2:1
“But if through my lie the truth of God abounded to His glory, why am I also still being judged as a sinner?
Romans 3:7
“The one who eats is not to regard with contempt the one who does not eat, and the one who does not eat is not to judge the one who eats, for God has accepted him
Romans 14:3
“But you, why do you judge your brother?
Romans 14:10
“Therefore let us not judge one another anymore
Romans 14:13
“I mean not your own conscience, but the other man's; for why is my freedom judged by another's conscience?
I Corinthians 10:29
“Judge for yourselves (not everyone else!): is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered?
I Corinthians 11:13
Therefore no one is to act as your judge
Colossians 2:16
…have you not made distinctions among yourselves, and become judges with evil motives?
James 2:4
He who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks against the law
James 4:11
…who are you who judge your neighbor? James 4:12
Thinking about it,
Derek
P.S. As always I want to thank all the people involved in the Lives Transforming newsletters and message. For those of you that don’t know, the stories that are told are ALL based on real life, true stories of Lives Transforming!
|
.jpg){kind=spacer}
