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DIVORCING MY 8TH GRADER
I have had a number of readers ask for some perspective on communicating with kids. This week I had the opportunity to have an incredible discussion with a teenager who just finished 8th grade. Normally when God connects me with kids I limit the time to about 30 minutes. (Most people can only handle me in small doses--a fact that has been confirmed by my wife on numerous occasions!) Uncharacteristically, this conversation lasted nearly a full hour; Kenny’s just 15 years old, so his mature clarity and soft-spoken demeanor was a bit of a surprise to me. Our time together reinforced the fact that kids are no different from adults in the way they discover Truth. Discipleship is never about “telling someone” it’s about them “discovering” Truth. To illustrate what I mean, I have included some commentary about communication in italics.
IT’S HITTING ME
Kenny and I met at Arby’s. I grabbed my huge iced tea for lunch and he ordered some very odd-looking sandwich (onion rings on a sandwich still is a little progressive for meJ), with the required Arby’s curly fries that my own kids can’t live without. When I meet with kids I never know the real reason they show up. I usually handle the awkwardness by assuming they were “forced” to meet with me…it also helps to break the ice.
“Well, Kenny, I’m not exactly sure why we are meeting…are you?”
“No not really.”
“Did your mom ‘force’ you to talk with me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, keep in mind that your mom’s not here so she doesn’t haven’t to know we didn’t talk about anything, if you’d rather just get a good meal out of this gig,” I smiled.
Kenny smiled back. After a little small talk about basketball and golf I continued…
“Your mom told me things at home are little difficult right now. Is that true?”
“Yeah.”
“How so?”
“I don’t know. My mom and dad separated about 6 months ago, and I guess it’s just now hitting me.”
“What do you mean ‘hitting you’?”
“Well, I lived with my mom for a while, then I went and lived with my dad. Now I’m back living with my mom.”
“Do your mom and dad have an agreement regarding when you stay with them?”
“No, not really. They are not divorced, they’re separated; so I sometimes I’m with mom and sometimes I’m with dad. It seems like nothing is getting resolved. I’m not sure why they are not going through with the divorce, but I think it has to do with money.”
“So you’d like for them to finalize the divorce?”
“No, not really, it’s just…” A stream of tears interrupted Kenny’s sentence, and he smiled, possibly embarrassed.
At this point I simply said nothing. Many people would feel compelled to tell Kenny things like, “it’s ok,” or “it’ll be all right,” etc. However, responses like that always put me off as condescending, and even false: (how do you know everything will be ok? You don’t know for sure!). Instead, I just sat quietly waiting for Kenny to continue.
“It’s just that my brother is older than I am, and he got married last year. So he moved out about the same time my dad left, and it’s just…” Kenny’s tears started up again.
“Does it feel like everyone’s kind of gone and left you?”
“Yeah, I mean it’s great my brother got married, and I want dad to be happy, but…”
“But what?”
“My dad told me he was divorcing mom. But I don’t think my dad understands that he’s not just divorcing my mom…he’s also divorcing me.”
LANDMINES
FEED – FINISH – FIX
It’s at this point in the conversation that I find most people get stuck because of the strong emotions present. People that are natural feelers want to immediately extend sympathy that could leave Kenny stuck in the morass of his own feelings. (FEED) Of course, extreme thinkers might inappropriately come across as, “Well, you’re going to have to get over it.” (FINISH) Finally, others will slide into thinking they need to try and fix the situation or fix Kenny. (FIX) I consider all these discipleship landmines that have a tendency to explode.
“Kenny, what kind of feelings are you experiencing?” (Most of us don’t ask this very important question because we think we already know the answer…but statistically we are 80% WRONG!)
“Angry.” Kenny replied matter of factly.
I would have never guessed anger, because Kenny was so soft spoken he didn’t appear to have the capacity to get angry (in other words, if I had guessed, I would have been WRONG!).
“Do you want to get rid of your anger?”
Again, this can be very beneficial to know. It’s easy for us to assume Kenny wants to stop being angry, but some people don’t want to give up their anger. Why do you think Jesus asked the blind man if he wanted to see? I used to think Jesus was asking a stupid question (of course he wants to see!), but Jesus knew that if life change was going to happen it was incredibly important that we (and the blind man) WANT to see.
Jesus asked the blind man, “What do you want Me to do for you?’ Luke 18:41 - NASB
“Yeah, I want to get rid of my anger,” Kenny replied.
“Ok, then I’d like to explain something to you if you don’t mind.”
Notice that I didn’t say “awesome” or “great” or “I’m so glad you want to get rid of your anger.” These would simply put undue pressure on Kenny to change, AND I would be implying to Kenny that I will like him more if he changes. I like a simple “ok” response!
“Sure, I don’t mind if you explain something to me.”
“Have you ever thought about where your feelings come from?”
“No, not really.”
“I don’t blame you!” I laughed. “But the interesting thing about anger (and any feeling for that matter) is that anger cannot exist unless we think a thought that makes us angry. For instance, what if your dad came home and beat you up every night last week (which he doesn’t!) and you found out today that he was going to divorce you…would you be happy or sad?”
“Happy.”
“I agree. It’s not the divorce that’s making you angry. It’s the thought you are thinking about the divorce that is making you angry. So if you change the thought then you change the anger. Am I making any sense, or am I being confusing?”
“No, I understand.”
“Ok. So can you tell me what you’re thinking that’s making you feel angry?”
“Yes, I want life to be easier.”
I quickly replied, “Why’s that?”
WHY’S THAT?
I love this type of question. In this case, Kenny actually assumes I know what he means by wanting life to be easier. Doesn’t everyone want life to be easier? But this conversation isn’t about what I think. This conversation is about what Kenny thinks. And I’m not sure why Kenny wants his life to be easier. I can’t even assume a better life is an easier life…can you? So staying curious and in Kenny’s world is all I’m concerned about. I want to get myself out of the way! So Kenny can discover his own reality…his own Truth.
“I don’t take on their way of life. I keep my bearings in Christ – but I enter their world and try to experience things from their point of view.”
I Corinthians 9:22 – The Message
“Why’s that?”
“Why do you want life to be easier?”
“I don’t know…I guess I just do.”
“Can you think of any benefits to you if your life is hard and not easy?”
“You mean like if my life was harder I would grow more, or something?”
“That certainly could be a benefit. Who would you rather talk with during this challenge you are experiencing? Would you rather talk with someone who has had a difficult life, or an easy life?”
“Difficult. Hmmm. So another benefit to life being hard is that I would be able to relate to people who also were experiencing hardship.”
“I agree. Can you think of anything else?”
“Not really.”
“Who would you rather have for a President of the United States (forget political preference)? Would you rather have a leader that has experienced a hard life or an easy life?”
“I would want a leader who knows how to handle difficulty. I see. A difficult life could really help me, huh?” Kenny smiled. The tears were gone. I could tell that maybe for the first time Kenny realized he didn’t have to be a slave to his anger. He could do something about it. He could eliminate it with Truth.
“There’s far more to this life than trusting in Christ. There’s also suffering (hardships) for him. And the suffering (hardships) is as much a gift as the trusting.”
Philippians 1:30 – The Message
Kenny continued, “Ok how about worry? I’m also worried.”
WHY’S THAT?
“What are you worried about?”
“I don’t know.”
“What are you thinking that makes you worry?”
“I don’t know.”
Wow. This part of the discussion goes back to one of the previous land mines. The FIX land mine. If we are trying to fix Kenny, at this point in the conversation we would say, “Oh, come on, you can think of something.” Ok, we wouldn’t be that blatant, but that is what would be communicated. This can risk Kenny thinking he is one of my “projects.
He’s not. He’s not a project. He is a child of God, and God can reveal whatever Truth He wants Kenny to see whenever His timing is right for Kenny. Yeah! Pressure’s off me!
I continued, “That’s ok. I’ll tell you what. Would you like to spend some time this week thinking about what thoughts are causing you to worry? Then maybe we can get back together, or talk on the phone if you want to some time.”
“That sounds good. I’d like to get back together.”
“Ok. You’re mom’s probably waiting for you, huh?”
“Yeah, and she’ll probably play 20 questions on the way home about what we talked about,” Kenny sighed.
“You’re probably right. So when she asks how things went what are you going to say?”
“Fine.”
“Awesome. Spoken like a true teenager!”
Thinking about it,
Derek
P.S. As always I want to thank all the people involved in the Lives Transforming newsletters and message. For those of you that don’t know, the stories that are told are ALL based on real life, true stories of Lives Transforming!
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