|
GOD WANTS ME DEAD
Jessica’s depression clouded the atmosphere like a fast moving storm. Suppressed anger, I guessed, from the furrows in her forehead and the lightning in her eyes. Six feet of window facing the outer office makes this conference room a safe place to meet with people, but sometimes I wonder what it’s like from the other side of the glass. I love the whiteboard walls and dry-erase markers, an accountant’s tools for putting finances in order, and managing money comes naturally to me. Sometimes I forget the emotional devastation money can have on others. This woman’s devastation was evident on her face.
“I get so sick of not knowing where the next check is coming from. I don’t even know how much money is in the bank! I’m exhausted. I’ve been married almost 20 years and I still…” Jessica was interrupted by her own emotions.
“Ok, let’s slow down a bit so I can catch up,” I smiled, “so you don’t know where your next check is coming from?”
“No. My husband is in sales, and primarily makes money from sales commissions. I want something stable.”
“All right, so your husband is a commission salesman. Now what about banking?”
“I never know how much money we have in the bank unless I call the bank and ask, or go online, or something!”
“Who pays the bills?”
“He should!”
“Whoa. Wait a second. Who currently pays the bills?”
“I do…but I HAVE to!”
“Why’s that?”
“Because he won’t! Believe me I’ve tried getting him to take some responsibility for the last 20 years but he won’t.”
“What happened when you tried?”
“Oh, he’ll start paying them for a little while, then I’ll start getting late notices, cancellation notices, and collection letters in the mail”
“Then what?”
“Then I yank all the bills back from him and start trying to get my hands around it again. He doesn’t really care if we are late on our bills. He’s pretty happy regardless. I guess he’s always figured out a way to make enough money for him to be content. But, of course, our creditors are not!”
“And you feel?”
“Depressed! And of course, angry at him most of the time. It’s like I’m constantly living under a cloud of oppression. Plus after 20 years you’d think I’d have something to show for myself.”
“And when you pay the bills…”
“That’s the point! I don’t WANT to pay the bills. I want him to pay the bills. How am I supposed to LIVE like this?”
“Maybe it’s not about living?”
“What?”
“Maybe it’s about being DEAD.”
I DON’T WANT TO!
“What? You think I should be dead? Well, sometimes I feel like killing myself!” Jessica responded sarcastically.
“Not exactly,” I smiled. “I mean dead to your desires.”
“Oh, don’t even go there! I’ve tried that. One time I just told my husband that I was giving up my desire for money and I was done worrying about money, and I told him ‘good luck’.”
“What happened?”
“He basically bankrupted us. If it wasn’t for our parents we would have filed for bankruptcy. Yeah, giving up my desire for money didn’t help at all.”
“Ok, Jessica, let me summarize what I’m hearing you say so I make sure I understand.”
“Ok.”
“You’ve tried GETTING your husband to pay the bills.”
“Yes.”
“Did it work?”
“Nope, the bills didn’t get paid and I landed in depression.”
“You’ve also tried just NOT paying your bills (hoping he would).”
“Yes.”
“Did it work?”
“Nope, the bills never got paid, we were on the verge of bankruptcy and I landed in anger.”
“What’s your other option?”
“My only other option is for me to take responsibility for the bills by paying them myself or finding someone to help me with managing the finances.”
“Ok. So what stops you from doing that?”
“I know it sounds selfish but…I DON’T WANT TO!”
PICKING UP MY DEATH CERTIFICATE
“So what if you died to what you WANTED?”
“What? And let him get by with it?”
“Isn’t he ‘getting by with it’ now?”
“Yes. He’s been getting by with it for 20 years.”
“So if you died to what you WANT, how will that change?”
“It won’t…just like it hasn’t in 20 years.”
“I agree. So again, what if you died to your desire to not WANT to be responsible for the bills?”
“So you are asking me to consider the impact on my life if I decide to kill my DESIRE to not be responsible for the bills, and instead, be ok taking responsibility for them myself.”
“I’m asking you how you would feel.”
“I would probably feel better.”
“Would it help your anger?”
“Yes. I wouldn’t have to keep trying to conjure up ways to get my husband to do something I don’t…which makes me very angry.”
“What about the depression?”
“It would probably start to go away…if my happiness wasn’t depending on getting what I WANTED,” she sighed. “So you’re saying God wants me dead?”
“Actually, Jessica, as a Christian you already are…you just haven’t acknowledged your death certificate yet!” I smiled.
“Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh (killed…already dead!) with its passions and desires.”
Galatians 5:24 - NASB
“Jessica, how long have you been fighting depression?”
“About 10 years.”
“You see, Jessica, God doesn’t ask us to die to our selfish desires because it somehow will make us ‘look better’ or make us ‘more Christian’ or ‘more loved by God’ or even because we think God wants us to ‘be nice.’ God asks us to die to our selfish DESIRES and WANTS because that’s how He gives us our LIFE back!”
“Whoever seeks to KEEP his life (what he WANTS) will LOSE it, and whoever LOSES his life will PRESERVE (or gain) it.”
Luke 17:33 - NASB
“Wow. I’ve really never understood that verse before.”
“So Jessica, if you keep fighting for what you WANT…”
“I will live in a constant state of tormenting depression and anger.”
“Exactly where the Enemy wants you. Can you imagine how difficult it would be to stay depressed if you gave up (died to) all the things that you WANT that you believe will be your ticket to happiness?”
“That’s an amazing way to look it…I could go ahead and be happy now! Does this apply to all areas of life? Wait…what about you? Can you tell me about one of your death experiences?”
THANK GOD I’M DEAD
“My deadliest experience is pretty public so I’ll give you the Cliff Notes version.”
“Ok.”
“Back in my early twenties, I started a business, By my late twenties I WANTED to be successful and of course, in business that means WANTING to make money.”
“That doesn’t sound so bad…I could use a little extra right now,” Jessica smiled.
“Well, thru a few twists and turns I started to get what I WANTED. Then some sudden challenging business and legal issues made it look like I wasn’t going to get what I WANTED.”
“So what happened?”
“I found myself leaving a doctor’s office with a prescription for addictive tranquilizers to calm me down.”
“Calm down from what?”
“When I realized I wasn’t getting what I WANTED (success), I became VERY anxious. Every day I would worry more and more about the thing I WANTED most and wasn’t getting. I WANTED to get my way and I wasn’t getting it!”
“So the doctor said you had a disease that needed medication?”
“He called my disease, ‘generalized anxiety disorder’ and sent me to the pharmacist.”
“What did the pills do for you?”
“Made me tired.”
“I guess that’s what tranquilizers normally do, huh?”
“Yeah,” I laughed.
“So what did you do?”
“Well, with the assistance of some friends and an enormous amount of help and encouragement from my emotional pain, I decided that the only realistic solution was death. So I told my wife it was time for me to die.”
“I bet that freaked her out.”
“At first, until she realized that I simply meant DYING to my own DESIRES and WANTS to get my way. Once I decided I didn’t care whether I succeeded or failed…once I died to it…”
“Your anxiety went away.”
“Over time…yes.”
“So what happened to your business since you decided to ‘not care’ anymore?”
“It thrived.”
“How can a business thrive if you don’t care about it anymore?”
“I didn’t say I didn’t care about the business or the people. I simply stopped caring about what I WANTED…I stopped allowing potential success and money to determine whether I was happy or not…THAT particular ‘WANT’ died.”
“So you stopped caring about the success and money.”
“Yes. Once I stopped caring about what I WANTED…”
“I bet people liked working for you MORE!”
“Yeah, it’s pretty hard to work for a guy who is totally driven to get what he WANTS. It’s a whole lot easier to work for a guy who cares more about the business and the people than the success and the money.”
“Which is probably why the business thrived?”
“I’m sure it didn’t hurt.”
“Is your business still thriving?”
“I wouldn’t say thriving. The market’s turned down pretty hard…”
“But you’re ok?”
“Absolutely. Now I just grab my metaphorical cross every day as a reminder that I’m already dead…because when I’m dead…”
“You come to LIFE!”
“Exactly.”
“And he was saying to them all, ‘If anyone wishes to come after Me (Jesus’ abundant LIFE), he must deny himself (what he WANTS), and take up his cross (the cross I’m crucified on) daily and follow Me.’”
Luke 9:23 - NASB
Thinking about it,
Derek
P.S. As always I want to thank all the people involved in the Lives Transforming newsletters and message. For those of you that don’t know, the stories that are told are ALL based on real life, true stories of Lives Transforming!
|
.jpg){kind=spacer}
