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CHRISTIAN FRIENDS USING
SNIPERS
Beware
A FRIENDLY AMBUSH
Here’s a tip—breakfast with three friends on a Saturday morning can be dangerous. The sun forced its way through the blinds this morning, creating long, hard-edged rectangular patterns across the wooden table that held up my elbows. I desperately wanted to say nothing, but the sun doesn’t discriminate where its light lands and I knew I didn’t either. I relaxed into my share of the conversation and decided to enjoy another “friendly” ambush.
“I can’t believe it. Why can’t she just keep her mouth shut,” Jeff angrily erupted. Jeff and his bride split about six months ago. Like most couples they agreed the divorce should be amicable and everyone would take the high road. Good idea, in theory. But Jeff’s ‘ex’ had now decided to let their two boys in on their dad’s secrets that started the cracks in the marriage vows. Of course she timed her communication perfectly--within a week of the custody battle--justifying her actions with irrefutable logic: “the kids deserve to know the truth.” Everyone at the table knew Jeff’s secrets too, but it was easier to keep them that way…secrets.
“Well, at least you have kids,” Terry interrupted. “Do you know what it’s like to live without anyone around…ever?” Terry got married too young and chalked his divorce up to youth, but didn’t really want to get ‘back in the game.’ Too much pain and too much risk. Work was much safer. “I’m sick of feeling lonely.” And the rest of the table was sick of Terry, constantly whining about how depressed he was because he didn’t have a wife and kids to come home and attend to him. But, of course, nobody would actually acknowledge that elephant in the room.
“How can you be lonely when you’re married to your job?” Mike joked…sort of. “I just hope I HAVE a job next week. People around me are dropping like flies and the thought of going home and telling my wife that I’ve been laid off totally freaks me out.” Mike had an incredible family and couldn’t imagine losing them. And worrying about the possibility of losing his job and risking a rift in his family circumstances made him nauseous. I caught Brian rolling his eyes, knowing Mike was totally controlled by his American Idols…his wife and kids.
Well, the interesting thing about this “friendly” discussion was that at least these guys were open and honest in this venue. Ironically, I was with the same three guys in a church small group study a couple weeks ago and you would have thought their lives were perfect. Of course, it was hard to know who to blame for that little game of hide and seek…the church’s judgment or my friends’ fears…or both. Now I quickly rummaged through a hundred concocted excuses to bolt out of the restaurant and make my way home to watch Tiger win another tournament or maybe even get my own 9 holes in with Connor (my 13 year old). But, unfortunately, I could tell…it was my turn to talk.
THE SNIPERS COME OUT TO PLAY
“Ok, let’s summarize this. Jeff – you are angry. Terry – you are lonely and depressed. Mike – you are anxious. Is that correct?” I asked. They all looked at me like I had three heads at this point. Three middle aged guys communicating “DUH,” without saying a word.
“Jeff, you start. Again, explain why you are angry.”
“Because my ex-wife won’t keep her mouth shut!”
“Good. Terry, your turn.”
“My turn what?”
“Stay in the game Terry.” I smiled, “Why you are lonely and depressed?”
“Because I’ve got nobody around to keep me from being lonely.”
“Good. Now you go, Mike. Why are you anxious?”
“Because my boss might fire me.”
“Good.”
“How in the world can that be ‘good’?” Jeff prodded.
“Well, at least now we know why you guys feel so bad. It’s because of Jeff’s ex-wife, Mike’s boss and, well, everyone else who’s not hanging out with Terry!” I smiled, preparing for the snipers to come out of hiding.
“Ok, smart ___, you know that’s not what we meant.” Terry replied. Thank God pastor Bob wasn’t around…Terry was getting a little riled up.
“Well, what did you mean, then?” I asked with as much innocence as I could muster around three old friends who knew better.
“We weren’t saying we were trying to blame everyone else for our problems…” Mike added.
“Yeah, I have no problem owning my own stuff,” Jeff interrupted, “believe me I have plenty of stuff to own.”
“Oh, now I suppose you want us to believe that we’re NOT supposed to feel anything. Like some sort of Jack Bauer character or something?”
GRABBING REALITY BACK
I smiled to myself as I remembered using the same guns these guys were using. The arguments seemed so logical but they just never seemed to give me any relief. I continued…
“Jeff, let’s start with you. What if your ex-wife’s mouth didn’t bother you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Right now, it seems as though she has a lot of power over you. She seems to be able to pull the string just right on the back of your neck and get her puppet angry. So what if your ex-wife’s mouth didn’t bother you?”
“But she shouldn’t be telling the boys EVERYTHING!”
“Why not?”
Jeff thought for a while. He could think of the normal arguments, but none of them made real sense right then. “I don’t know.”
“In fact, do you really expect anything different?”
“Not really. She’s hurt.” Jeff softened.
“Where did your anger go?”
“It’s…it’s not really about her is it?”
“You’re right. Your anger was coming from you, not her.”
“That’s kind of amazing,” Jeff responded, “it’s hard to believe…”
“Give me a break,” Terry interrupted, “so now NOTHING makes us feel ANYTHING? As if we live in a vacuum or something?”
“What do you mean Nothing makes us feel Anything?” I asked.
“Are you saying the fact that I don’t live with anyone has nothing to do with my loneliness?”
“I’m guessing you believe that your circumstance of being alone must make you lonely and your loneliness makes you depressed.”
“Well, I certainly wouldn’t be depressed if I didn’t feel lonely!”
“Why does being alone bother you?”
“Because I guess I want someone around to talk with and…”
“You’re saying that if you had someone around you that would make you feel better?”
“Yeah.”
“But what if you didn’t need someone around to make you feel better?”
“Then I wouldn’t be lonely.”
“Or depressed?”
“True,” Terry replied.
“What causes you to feel so bad when you are alone?” I asked.
“I feel stuck.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to go back into the mess I once made.”
“So you are afraid to connect with others?”
“I guess so.”
“So where is your feeling of loneliness coming from?”
“Me…the way I think about it.”
“And if you decided there was nothing to be afraid of?”
“I wouldn’t have to choose to be alone…man, this is hard to see sometimes.”
“I agree and…”
“Oh my gosh,” Mike jumped in. “That’s right.”
“What’s right?”
“My boss firing me isn’t the problem at all.”
“What is?”
“It’s me…I’m afraid of my wife.”
“Why?”
“Because if I lose my job she might leave me,” Mike realized.
“And if she leaves you?”
“It will be ok…won’t it?”
“Yes,” Jeff chimed in with the experience to know, “you will be ok. That’s her choice not yours, Mike.”
“And your worry?” I asked.
“It would go away. I see that now. It’s like the Enemy is constantly diverting our attention from reality. And trying to con us into believing everyone else is in control of our lives and our emotions!”
“It’s time to grab reality back.”
GETTING OUT OF THIS MESS
“How do we get ourselves so easily into this mess?” Jeff asked.
“It’s pretty easy,” I replied, “we are constantly hearing and using language like ‘he made me angry’ or ‘my life is depressing.’ But other people don’t have the power to make us angry and life’s circumstances don’t have the power to depress us. We choose every emotion we feel based on the thoughts we choose to think. Our feelings of anger, depression and worry NEVER come from other people or circumstances. That’s the lie the Enemy wants us to believe. The unhealthy emotions we experience are ‘deeds of the flesh’ (Galatians 5:19). They come from thoughts shot at us by the Enemy and we choose to believe them. Simple as that…if you change the thought (the lie) you change the emotions.”
“I guess that’s why someone like Victor Frankl was able to survive the death camps without being depressed.” Mike added.
Jeff continued, “I think Paul’s own prison experience writing about living happily while being chained to a cell, I think it’s somewhere in Philippians, is the best example of…”
“Yeah, it would be hard to convince Paul that his emotional life had to be controlled by his circumstances,” Terry laughed.
“Exactly! Paul knew his spiritual and emotional healthiness was not in the hands of other people or circumstances. He knew that if he chose to think what was TRUE, he would experience the healthy emotions of the Fruit of the Spirit…including being quite happy…
Jeff – your anger has nothing to do with your x-wife.
Terry – your depression has nothing to do with being alone.
Mike – your worry has nothing to do with your boss.
The anger, depression, anxiety and any other unhealthy emotion is caused by one thing and one thing only…the thoughts we choose to think!”
“I bet you know where those verses about Paul are…huh?” Terry asked.
“Yes, I’ve had to be reminded of them often.”
Keep in mind that Paul wrote the following passage while he was imprisoned in Rome while waiting to go to court where his life was at stake…
Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious (this is the “how”)—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse…I'm glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess (What? This guy is in prison!)—happy that you're again showing such strong concern for me. Not that you ever quit praying and thinking about me. You just had no chance to show it. Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances (How? He already told us…fill our minds with what is true!). I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.
Philippians 4:8-14 – The Message
Thinking about it,
Derek
P.S. As always I want to thank all the people involved in the Lives Transforming newsletters and message. For those of you that don’t know, the stories that are told are ALL based on real life, true stories of Lives Transforming!
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