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ANOTHER DIVORCED KID
…WHO CARES
Carrie chewed on her lip and fiddled with her hands. Only a junior in high school but now she was facing difficulties beyond her natural biological age. She was raised in a strict home, which made her predicament even more challenging. How could her dad have been so strict with her all those years and…do what he’s done? Carrie knew she was forced to live by a certain “moral code,” beaten into her at least metaphorically by her dad for the last decade. Now her dad decided that having an affair was somehow…ok. Of course, dad doesn’t call it an affair…just a “friend”. But it didn’t matter what he called it, all Carrie knew was there was some woman ripping her daddy away. And even thru the morass of emotions from the past, none of that mattered if she could only feel there was a real connection with her dad, but that seemed to be slipping away as well.
“Carrie, bring me up to date with what’s going on.”
“I’m not really sure.”
“You’re not sure?” I asked curiously.
“Actually, I almost cancelled meeting with you. I guess I’m a little skeptical.”
“That’s no problem. We don’t have to meet.” I replied.
“No, it’s ok.”
“Would you rather just have a bite to eat and call it a day?”
“No, it’s just…my dad’s moods are kind of freaking me out.”
“Your dad is in a bad mood?”
“Not all the time. But a lot of times when I go spend time with him he’s in a bad mood. And I guess that makes me feel bad.”
“Why does it make you feel bad when your dad is in a bad mood?”
“Because when he’s in a bad mood he acts like he doesn’t care about me.”
“Ok, I think I understand. When your dad is in a bad mood then he treats you poorly which makes you feel like he doesn’t care about you.”
“Yes. That’s correct. ”
“Now I would like your permission to ask you a really stupid question.” I smiled.
Carrie grinned, “Ok.”
A REALLY STUPID QUESTION
“Why does it bother you when your dad acts like he doesn’t care about you?”
“That does seem like a stupid question.” Carrie replied loosening up a little.
“I told you,” I smiled.
“It bothers me because I care about my dad.”
“So you are upset when your dad acts like he doesn’t care about you…because you care about him?”
“Yes.”
“Do you see anything a little weird about that statement?”
“No, not really.”
“Ok, let’s try again. You are upset that your dad doesn’t care for you because you care for him?”
“Yeah, I think so…but it seems a little confusing.”
“Carrie, have you ever had a boyfriend?”
“Yes, I’ve had a few.”
“Have you ever broken up with a boyfriend?”
“Yes.”
“And when you broke up with him how did he take it?”
“Not very well,” she laughed.
“What do you mean?”
“He was very upset and started calling all the time and hounding me. Then he would follow me to different places. He told me how depressed he was…”
“He was a stalker?” I laughed.
“No, nothing like that, it’s like I couldn’t get him to leave me alone.”
“Because he cared for YOU so much?”
“No, but he SAID he was doing all those things because he cared for me.”
“But why was he ‘stalking’ you?”
I could see the light bulb go off inside of Carrie, “because he was trying to get what HE wanted…it had nothing to do with ME. Wow. I think I’m starting to see what you mean,” Carried sighed.
CIRCLING BACK TO DAD
“So let’s go back. Why does it bother you when your dad acts like he doesn’t care about you?”
“Because if my dad would care about ME more then I would feel better,” Carrie realized.
“That’s very good. Now, do you have the ability to make your dad care about you when he’s in a bad mood?”
“No.”
“You’re right. So that’s not an option. So what other option do you have so you don’t have to feel so bad?”
“To not care about my dad,” her voice raised at the end stating the reply in the context of a question.
“Close, but not quite, if you stopped caring for your dad that would probably make your relationship…”
“Worse,” Carrie interrupted.
“Exactly,” I replied excitedly, “Is caring about your dad the same as wanting your dad to care about you?”
“No.”
“So what’s the other option?”
“Now it makes sense. If I want to feel better I can care about my dad but just not care if he cares about me!”
“YOU GOT IT! That’s perfect. Caring about someone else is NOT the same as wanting someone to care about you.”
WHO CARES
“So it’s ok if my dad doesn’t act like he cares about me?” Carrie asked innocently.
“Well, let’s see. When your dad is in a bad mood and acts like he doesn’t care about you, and you simply decide that it’s ok for him not to care, do you feel better or worse?”
“Much better!”
“Then you’ve answered your own question.”
“But it still seems wrong for my dad not to care about me. How is it ok?”
“Your dad’s decision to care about you is up to him. Remember earlier, you mentioned that’s nothing you can control. However, right and wrong for YOU has to do with whether your happiness is dependent on another person caring about you.”
“So you are saying it is wrong for me to care if my dad cares about me?”
“Whenever your happiness hinges on someone else’s response…you cannot really know your Heavenly Father…it is sin.”
“Why hasn’t anyone told me that before?”
“Honestly, Carrie, this isn’t something most people learn until well into adulthood. Some people never learn it. You are simply facing a situation in life that a lot of people don’t have to face at your age. You are starting early,” I smiled.
“Ok. I think I got it. I do care about my dad. I just don’t care if he cares about me…that is his choice,” Carrie smiled back with the weight of the world slowly walking away.
“That is perfect.”
“I feel better. But you are saying this stuff is really in the bible? About my father?”
“Yes. But I’m going to warn you ahead of time the language spoken by Jesus about this subject is very strong.”
"Don't think I've come to make life cozy. I've come to cut—make a sharp knife-cut between son and father, daughter and mother, bride and mother-in-law—cut through these cozy domestic arrangements and free you for God. Well-meaning family members can be your worst enemies. If you prefer father or mother (or spouse) over me (God’s Truth), you don't deserve me (the free life God has for you). If you prefer son or daughter over me, you don't deserve me (the free life God has for you).”
Matthew 10:34-37 – The Message
One day when large groups of people were walking along with him, Jesus turned and told them, "Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of father (his opinion of you), mother, spouse, children, brothers, sisters—yes, even one's own self!—can't be my disciple (can’t follow Him because you’re following someone else!). Anyone who won't shoulder his own cross and follow behind me can't be my disciple.”
Luke 14:25-27 – The Message
“Wow, those are strong words. It’s dangerous to put other people’s opinions of me over God’s opinion of me, huh?”
“Yes, very dangerous. It makes you feel horrible. And that is what Jesus is warning us about. He’s warning us that whenever our happiness, our contentment, and even our very life depend on someone else’s opinion, even a very close family member, we can’t really know God…because someone else has taken His place.”
Thinking about it,
Derek
P.S. As always I want to thank all the people involved in the Lives Transforming newsletters and message. For those of you that don’t know, the stories that are told are ALL based on real life, true stories of Lives Transforming!
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