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Warning: These specific examples are NOT meant to be a path to follow, but instead, a map. They are not even guidelines; they are simply concepts of Truth that can be applied to all relationships!
Celebrating our strengths and limitations…
The message of Monday night was a little more difficult. Why? Because it dealt with BOTH individual AND relational issues. It caused us to face the challenges of parenting by taking a very long look in the mirror.
Let’s get specific:
As you know, if you’ve been married, there is a very high probability that you did NOT marry someone just like you! In fact, you probably married someone very different than you! In my relationship with my wife Jennie it looked something like this:
I married Jennie because . . .
She is very patient
7 years later I want a divorce because . . .
She is always late
I married Jennie because . . .
She is great with little kids
7 years later I want a divorce because . . .
She spends so much time with the kids, now the house is a mess.
Jennie married me because . . .
I was determined and goal oriented
7 years later she wants a divorce because . . .
I’m a workaholic that doesn’t spend enough time at home
Jennie married me because . . .
I am strong willed and will hold our children accountable.
7 years later she wants a divorce because . . .
I’m a bad dad; I don’t play with my kids enough
On and on it goes. We are different and we have differences. But Paul says something very interesting about these differences and limitations when it comes to relationships:
“We don’t just put up with our limitations; we celebrate them, and then go on to celebrate every strength, every triumph of the truth in you. (2 Corinthians 13 – The Message).
Ok, so how does this apply to parenting?
Well, here’s how it works. Again, using “yours truly” as the Guinea Pig:
My natural born flesh:
- I’m naturally a guy who has a tendency to get my worth from performance
(Big Lie and Limitation)
- However, based on the way God made me I naturally hold my kids accountable and create a strong environment of responsibility.
(Strength)
- BUT! When I go overboard, I hold my kids “so accountable” that I communicate a message to my children that appears to them as…”You are more valuable when you perform better”
(Not so good!)
- Over time, this can easily result in rebellious children as they try and find themselves outside of “performing”.
Jennie's natural flesh:
- Jennie naturally is a gal who has a tendency to get her worth from approval
(Big Lie and Limitation)
- However, based on the way God made her she naturally nurtures our children in a way that they know they are deeply cared for and loved
(Strength)
- BUT! When she gets “out of whack”, she is more concerned about our children “liking” her and being her friend than growing up. And the message she communicates is… “If you (the kids) like me more then I’m more valuable.”
(Not so good!)
- Over time, this can easily result in manipulative children controlling mom’s every move, because they know they can get mom to do whatever they want if they “act like” they don’t like her anymore!
OK, now what?
Now what? You know what’s NEXT! We ALL do!
- I get MAD at my wife for not holding the kids accountable!
I think, “If only Jennie would “follow thru” and make sure the kids got their homework done (like I do!), then she’d be a good mom and everything would be better and our kids will grow up to be healthy responsible adults.”
AND
- My wife gets MAD at me for not having enough “fun” with the kids!
She thinks, “If only Derek would build more of a relationship with the kids, you know, get on the floor and play with them more (like I do!), he’d be a good dad and everything would be better and our kids will grow up to be healthy responsible adults.”
WHAT IF…
But…what if I looked at my wife differently?
What would happen if I didn’t just “put up with” Jennie’s limitations, but celebrated them?
What if I decided that her strength of deeply caring for our kids was not mitigated by her limitation of holding our kids accountable, but instead enhanced by what “I” get to bring to the table.
What would happen if I focused on extending my strengths to the relationship as opposed to trying to get her to do it my way?
What if her way is as necessary as my way?
What if it’s not her way AGAINST my way?
What if it’s her way AND my way.
What if God created TWO to be united and stronger as ONE?
What if ONENESS does not equal SAMENESS!
What if I celebrate her limitations, and go on to celebrate her every strength?
What if she returned the favor…?
WOW!
Parenting…
It’s not about changing my kids…it’s about changing the way I look at things
It’s not about changing my wife…it’s about my life…being changed from the inside-out!
Have a great week.
Derek
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