CONTROL FREAKS

The Sunday Night Curse

All you parents have been there…haven’t you?  You know, Sunday night rolls around and at about 9 o’clock your son or daughter starts getting ready for bed.  And all of a sudden he looks at you with big wide eyes, surprised by the lightning bolt thought that just came out of nowhere: “I need to finish my homework!” 

Of course, he had all weekend to do his homework but somehow, it just now crossed his mind! 

Well, for me, this weekend would be different.  Connor and I made an agreement on Friday night that if the homework wasn’t complete by Sunday afternoon, he would not be allowed to join his friends at church on Sunday night for youth group.  “No problem, dad,” were his exact words. 

Of course, Sunday afternoon rolls around and guess what?  The homework is not done.  So Kylene (Connor’s sister), gets ready to take everyone to church, while I inform Connor that he broke his commitment; but the good news is that he’ll have time to finish his homework while his sisters go to church.  : )

Then it happens…

A great big frown.  Huge tears start to form.  But knowing dad probably wouldn’t fall for either tactic, Connor pulls out a new approach.  Tonight it’s the asthma strategy.  He starts to breathe heavy, and then he starts to wheeze.  Now it’s as if he’s a fish out of water, gasping for the last breath of air left in the house.

We’ve all been there.  Whether it’s a child or an adult, mom or dad, spouse, brother, sister or co-worker, there’s seldom a week that goes by that someone doesn’t pull out the “asthma” strategy.

It looks different as we get older.  Here’s a few more “asthma” attacks!

• We are going to miss you so much for Thanksgiving dinner…we’ll probably just have to cancel it all together
  • (The guilt control “asthma attack”).

• We really need you to help out at church…the kids’ eternal lives depend on it
  • (The shame control “asthma attack”).

• Well, that’s fine, but you really hurt my feelings when you didn’t show up the other night to meet us. I took it personally.  We are your friends. 
  • (Poor me Manipulation “asthma attack”).

• We are a team…I guess she’s just not a team player.
  • (Divide and Conquer “asthma attack”)

The mental health professionals call this type of manipulation “splitting”

I could go on forever with these examples, but I’m sure you have plenty of your own.

And how do we respond?

Usually we feel guilty, angry, frustrated, shamed and sometimes even used.

If only I could get these people to STOP controlling and manipulating me, my life would be better!  This thought rolls around in all of our minds…but guess what?  This thought is based 100% on a LIE!

The Truth is that NOBODY has the ability or power to control or manipulate YOU or ME ever!  Period!  End of story. 

(Ok, you might be thinking a policeman has the power to control me if he turns his sirens on.   It’s true that a policeman might be able to force you to pull over.  But not even the policeman has the power to make you THINK or FEEL in any way contrary to the thoughts and feelings you choose to think and feel!)

Nobody has the ability to make us think thoughts that make us “feel guilty”. 

Nobody has the ability to make us think thoughts that make us feel we have to “show up for Thanksgiving dinner.”

Nobody has the ability to make us think thoughts that make us “feel shame” through their tactics to try and get us to agree with them, their team or their agendas!

NOPE! We get to choose!

SO HOW AM I FREED FROM THESE CONTROL FREAKS?

Enough with the examples…What now!

How about a few Truths…

My value and worth as a person does not come from pleasing my family at Thanksgiving dinner

(Get rid of the approval issues)

My value and worth as a person does not come by volunteering at church more than everyone else!

            (Get out of the performance trap)

My value and worth does not come from whether my wife likes me or not!  So if she wants to threaten to NOT talk to me again for a month.  That’s her choice!

            (Get out of my love addictive, co-dependent state)

My value and how I feel about myself comes 100% from the fact that the God of the universe is IN ME!  Nobody else gets to determine that!

These Truths free me to make decisions based on God’s direction, my values, my priorities, and His developed character forged into ME and YOU!  And not based on other people’s opinions or on their agendas.  WOW!  What freedom!

I don’t have to be controlled!  It’s my choice.

I don’t have to be manipulated!   It’s my choice.

I don’t even have to be angry ever again at the controllers!!!

Why? 

Because I am not allowing them to control me…they have no power, so why do I need to be mad?  I don’t anymore! The power of Truth is incredible!

So does this mean I never go to Thanksgiving dinner, never help out at church and never show up to be with friends?  NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

It means that I get to choose based on God’s direction the best choice and NOT everyone else’s direction.  This frees me to follow God’s promptings, God’s initiatives and God’s directions.  Think how many people we have allowed to take our eyes off what God is doing because we think we have to do what they say because of what they might think.

I NEED TO SEE THIS IN REAL LIFE!

Tell a story; show me what this looks like when Truth sets me free!

“Some time ago, my wife was invited to serve as chairman of a committee in a community endeavor.  She had a number of truly important things she was trying to work on, and she really didn’t want to do it.  But she felt pressured into it and finally agreed.

Then she called one of her dear friends to ask if she would serve on her committee.  Her friend listened for a long time and then said, “Sandra, that sounds like a wonderful project, a really worthy undertaking.  I appreciate so much your inviting me to be a part of it.  I feel honored by it.  For a number of reasons, I won’t be participating myself, but I want you to know how much I appreciate your invitation.”

Sandra was ready for anything but a pleasant “no.”  She turned to me and sighed, “I wish I’d said that.”

                                                                                                            7 Habits (Page 156)

GIVE ME SOME SCRIPTURE

IS THIS STUFF REALLY IN THE BIBLE?

Here we go………….

Note: I changed these into the first person for you already.

“So I don’t put up with anyone pressuring me in the details of diet, worship services or holy days (or anything else for that matter).  All those things are mere shadows cast before what was to come; the substance is Christ (in me).”  Colossians 2:16-17 (The Message)

“Because of that Cross, I have been crucified in relation to the world, set free from the stifling atmosphere of pleasing others and fitting into the little patterns they dictate.”  Galatians 6:14 (The Message)

“I don’t tolerate people who try and run my life, ordering me to bow and scrape, insisting that I join their obsession…they’re a lot of hot air, that’s all they are….He is the Head and I am part of the body.  I can grow up healthy in God only as He nourishes me.”  Colossians 2:18-19 (The Message)

Renew your mind on these verses all week long!  Your life will be transformed.  (Romans 12:2).

Have a great week.

Derek

BONUS VERSE:  Read at your own risk!

So, then if with Christ I’ve put all that pretentious and infantile religion behind me, why do I let myself be bullied by it?  “Don’t touch this!  Don’t taste that!  Don’t go near this!”  Do I think things that are here today and gone tomorrow are worth that kind of attention?  Such things sound impressive if said in a deep enough (or loud enough) voice.  They even give the illusion of being pious and humble and ascetic.  But they’re just another way of showing off, making ourselves look important.  Colossians 2:20-23 (The Message)