HOW MY FRIEND’S RAGE DISAPPEARED
 
AFTER ENCOUNTERING THE MOST
 
SELFISH PERSON HE’D EVER MET IN HIS

LIFE!

PRACTICING PRACTICAL

The last few weeks we’ve been discussing should statements.  This week will conclude these “shouldy” discussions for a while, but not without first getting very, very practical.  We are going to be excruciatingly specific and explain exactly HOW to rid ourselves of the emotional mess created by these should statements when we shoot them at others. 

RAGE ON!

A few years ago I was asked to lead a small group.  More specifically, I was asked to show up as a guest small group leader.  So I started teaching what we affectionately call “The 4 Steps” (Click here for more information).  Basically, I asked the group to identify an unhealthy emotion they had experienced sometime during the last few weeks.  I wrote a few of them on a white board we had in the room and then abruptly this quiet older gentleman, Dan, interjected…

“I got one.”

“Ok, what is it?” I asked.

“RAGE!” Dan mentioned.

“Rage?”  I was thinking that rage was about the last thing I was expecting to hear from this distinguished gentleman. 

“Yes, rage,” he replied.

“All right, well, what’s the thought that you are thinking that causes you to feel rage?” I asked.

“Well, I’ll tell you, Derek, there’s this young lady I work with, Sarah, and she is the most selfish person I’ve ever met in my life and it absolutely drives me nuts!”

“So you don’t think she should be selfish?” 

“No,” he replied emphatically, “she shouldn’t be selfish!”

A LIE OR NOT A LIE…THAT IS THE QUESTION

I spent a few moments asking a few more questions to the group…

“Galatians 5 lays out the Fruit of the Spirit…things like love, joy, peace, etc. is RAGE part of the Fruit?  Does rage come from God?”

“No,” everyone agreed.

“Ok, since rage doesn’t come from God, where does it come from?”

“The Enemy,” everyone agreed.

“Sooooooo…the thought that is producing the rage (Sarah shouldn’t be selfish), is that thought coming from God?  Is it coming from the Truth of God?

“No,” everyone agreed.

“So, ‘Sarah shouldn’t be selfish” is based on a lie?”

“Yes,” everyone agreed.

“Ok, since ‘Sarah shouldn’t be selfish” is a lie, now I want to know with a show of hands who thinks the truth is that “SARAH SHOULD BE SELFISH?”

Silence…no hands went up...

(Sometimes it sucks to be me!)

Even after knowing that rage doesn’t come from God, knowing that thoughts that produce rage cannot be based on Truth, and even knowing they must be coming from the Enemy and knowing the Enemy is the father of lies…the group still decided, “Sarah should not be selfish” which was leading directly to the rage and frustration they wanted to get rid of…

UGH!

(Now I was getting angry!J)

WHY? WHY? WHY?
 

So I stepped back toward the safety net of my white board hoping some sort of miraculous inspiration might land on my head…and continued anyway…

“How many of you know ‘a selfish Sarah’ in your life?”  Everyone’s hands shot up.



“Ok, I want to know WHY Sarah is selfish?  Of course, I know we don’t know for sure, but give it a shot.  Why is the “selfish Sarah” in your life selfish?”

“Maybe she’s trying to protect herself,” a woman quietly replied in the back.

“Maybe she ain’t a Christian,” replied another woman.  (Of course, I wasn’t touching this with a ten foot pole as all the selfish Christians I’d experienced over the last few years flashed through my mind!)

“Maybe she grew up in a house where she always got her way…you know: she might be spoiled and is used to getting her way all the time,” a man replied.

“I think she’s just probably an immature brat.” came from a gruff voice.

“Maybe she thinks if she doesn’t look after herself first then nobody else will and she’ll get hurt,” another lady replied.

My friend Dan perked up, “you know, I remember Sarah mentioning that her dad left her when she was younger and it hurt...I think that loss hurt her pretty bad.”

Is it fair to say, that although we don’t know for sure the reasons why Sarah is selfish that there ARE REASONS?

“Yes," everyone agreed.

“In fact, if Sarah didn’t have this history and was mature in her relationship with Christ and others would she be different?"

“Yes," everyone agreed.

So based on Sarah’s family history, current level of maturity and growth, does it makes sense that “Sarah should be acting selfish?”

“Yes.”

RAGE AWAY

Now, Dan, if you believed that based on Sarah’s history and current level of maturity Sarah SHOULD BE acting exactly as she is; she should be selfish…would your rage go up or down?

“Down,” Dan replied.

“You are right Dan!  Your rage would decrease and how would you feel about Sarah?”

“Really, if I thought about Sarah from the perspective of her past and her challenges, I guess I’d feel…compassion.” Dan replied as a tear fell down his cheek. 


“Compassion, instead of judgment and condemnation?  Who does that remind you of Dan?”

“It reminds me of how my Father deals with me…wow.” Dan sighed.

Dan’s wife’s eyes lit up, “Do you mean to tell me that there’s a chance that my husband will come home without taking his rage out on me?” she said with a smile.

“You never know,” I replied.

HOLD ON…WHERE’S THAT IN THE BIBLE

HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE,” a voice from the back hollered.  “Are you saying that we’re supposed to be ok with selfish people and just let them get by with it?  I don’t read THAT in the Bible anywhere!”

I turned to Dan and asked, “If you go to work tomorrow with an attitude of compassion vs. rage do you think you’ll have a better or worse chance to someday talk with Sarah about God?”

“MUCH better chance, in fact it seems like the only thing my anger did was make Sarah more defensive!” Dan replied.



“And if someday you have a chance to compassionately mention that she has a Father that will NEVER leave her and ALWAYS love her do you think there’s a chance that Sarah might be able to see that there’s no need to be selfish anymore? She doesn’t have to try selfishly protect herself from losing something important, because WHO is most important…is going nowhere!”

“Very possible, wow. This is exactly how God has grown me up.”

We ended that evening with an incredible verse that brought tears of compassion not just to Dan’s eyes but to just about everyone in the group…

I welcome with open arms fellow believers (like Sarah) who don’t see things the way I do.  And I don’t jump all over her every time she does or says something I don’t agree with – even when it seems she is strong on opinions but weak in the faith department.  Remember, she has her own history to deal with.  I treat her gently.

Romans 14:1-2, (Personalized from “The Message”)

SUMMARIZE IT!

1. IDENTIFY THE UNHEALTHY EMOTION

“…Rage”

2. IDENTIFY THE THOUGHT (LIE) that’s causing the rage (from the Enemy)

“…Sarah should not be selfish”

3. IDENTIFY THE TRUTH

Sarah’s selfish actions are simply coming from her thoughts and emotions based on her current growth and past history (this thought leads me to the emotion of compassion). 

She is acting in line with her current level of maturity (as she should).  Now my judgment (and my action of “shoulding”) subsides and she doesn’t feel the need to defend herself…and when her defenses subside, she potentially opens up to what God is doing (as I get out of His way, Romans 14:13-14, The Message).

Because Truth led me to compassion (a Fruit of the Spirit, Galatians 5:22-23, The Message) I see how God’s Truth has given me power to treat her gently and let God do the changing…He can handle it I’m sure!

My rage decreases, my compassion increases, I get out of God’s way, her defenses go down, our relationship stabilizes…WOW!  All from simply changing a thought…a thought we know was a lie because it was causing rage (NOT a Fruit of the Spirit!)

4. RENEWING MY MIND

…For the next few weeks I bathe my mind in the Truth revealed!  I’m transformed when I renew my mind (Romans 12:2).

Thinking about it,

Derek